


Voices In My Head

by LostInQueue



Category: Star Wars
Genre: F/M, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-11
Updated: 2018-12-11
Packaged: 2019-09-16 09:50:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,541
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16951761
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LostInQueue/pseuds/LostInQueue
Summary: Rey goes undercover as Kira Niima impersonating a psychiatrist to access old mental health holograms from a medical archive in Coruscant. As she grooms herself to be First Order compliant, her plans of alleviating the stresses of conditioning the troops with a consignment shop on board every Star Destroyer, is coming into fruition. This drives out Kylo Ren to confront her, finding much more than he bargained for.





	Voices In My Head

It’s been an entire year since Rey fought by Ben’s side, briefly speaking maybe one liners before their connection would fade and they would take on their sides begrudgingly. Snide comment after humorless retort would flow freely from the other. Each grooming their injured egos, until one night a dam broke, and Ben opened up to her. 

“It might do you some good to find out what others think of you too. We’re not wrong. Your behavior might be an absolute disaster, but there’s a better person inside than you let out. Maybe start asking around starting with those in your own ship,” she says softly, wondering if he was even still connected with her. 

As she slips completely from him, his reflection replaces her as he looks out into the far reaches of the galaxy before him. Rey is right, he thinks, and it surely became time to put on his less intimidating costume, undercover as his least favorite position, Matt the Radar Technician.

——

Uninterested in the original plan of waiting with the dwindling resistance, Rey concocted her own. It seems only right to peruse her own rogue mission. Her intent was simple. Get in. Change Ben’s mind, and get out with the man in tow. The trouble wasn’t getting there, or in, since he showed her enough care to be considered care the last time she visited. No, it was getting him out that would be the trouble.

It seemed ridiculous to her at first when Poe brought up a consignment shop of sorts, as a joke, imagining officers of the First Order and other, simpler units, going to purchase anything that soothes their individuality. He furthered the image of just how funny it would be to sell Kylo Ren inspired products, stress relievers in every genre, treats, memorabilia, anything really to lighten the mental toll of being there, in that hell hole.

Mental toll. The concept stuck with her, like a stain on her shirt.

“You know they train the troopers from birth?” Poe repeats a story Finn has mentioned time and again. He’s really gotten heated over it as if the trauma could never actually live past.

“Yes. Yes... I know,” she settles her friend before he gets too bothered by the comment. His words wedge into her mind like a thorn, mental health repeats itself countless times and had become her source. She could use this. It effected everyone. Applied correctly, she would have the diversion necessary to handle the obstacle of getting Ben on his own.

But what was it she wanted from him? His company? Sort of, well, yes. That wasn’t just it. She wanted his healing. She wanted him to come full circle. While she thought of Ben, she remembers his ferocity, his focus, his anger, but most of all his pain. This pain was unlike any she truly had known, being subjected as a young child to that hateful monster, Snoke. Though, she did have a feeling their hearts grieved for the same loss of family, and that she is determined to solve for him. 

Rey pushes on to Coruscant, scouring through mental health archives found on every trooper, pilot and officer. She spent months there, contacted constantly by Finn, who barely knew the situation. The less the better. Studying came first. She needed to completely understand the psychology behind this deceptively large undertaking. She had to know how to speak one knowledgeable tongues the way she could process mechanical lingo as if it was her first language. There could be no error or judgement would find her as cruelly as it could, leaving only more pain in the process. 

As she had become accustomed to it, she practiced on the reconditioning units’ journals that were submitted every cycle. Many of which couldn’t handle being in battle. This seemed typical. Unprovoked killings were brutal. Life altering. And many of the soldiers either failed reconditioning, or ended their lives to release their undeniable grief. 

There needed to be a change. A trickle down effect. But what would change Ben? What would get him to see what she saw. Clearly not showing his failures or short comings would do such a thing. The very through of it made her want the chance to kill Snoke herself. That man, she growled as she put away the trooper’s holocharts, that man would continue to pay for what he had done to Ben. 

‘Ben,’ she thinks. “Who would he...” the image of Leia comes fresh in her mind. This is what she needed! This would the give clarity she wanted. Rey all but sprints to the section where she would find every last documentation of Leia Organa-Solo, starting with the very first recordings as a small child. 

While Rey sifted through these memories, she had a timeline to keep up with, and a character to practice. For this to work she needed to be able to market the need in her favor. Some items were pitched to shop owners in Mos Espa, a busy market place on Tatooine, where she had the oddest luck finding the strangest items. For more lavish of products, she contacted boutique owners on Coruscant and Canto Bight, getting them to oblige for the First Order. Their first transaction was waived, as it was known that jobs for the First Order were extremely lucrative. Rey’s transitional character has been tested on them. She used a simple Jedi mind trick to avoid too many questions, concocting contracts for each place and every item on her list. 

Next, Rey focused on who she needed to be to get this in motion on board. Her character had to be flawless, and sophisticated as if she had played a part in their system for far longer than the few days she had been. On the hardest nights, or ones Ben would try to materialize in their connection, she had to stay focused, even if that meant angering the man. When he’d leave, the stress of his stare would shut her down, wondering why she wanted to follow through with the project anyway.

“It’s important,” she would say to herself. 

When the time came to apply for her documentation as a psychiatrist of the First Order, she applied as Kira Niima. Her credentials included expertise in balancing many fields including abandonment, torture, the mental disturbance of it all. In her experiences, she knew she could speak fluently about these fields and present herself as one that actually belonged in the field. 

Though, even pitted against the loneliest man in the galaxy, with their closing connection, it would be something of a miracle if he didn’t visit every ship in his fleet to shut this down. It’s all she could see. This lunatic, bashing her hard work planted under his nose, for the control he never had. He is her only target, even though everyone else, including his traitor, is proof his army needs this. 

Preparations for her project have been maddening. Not seeing him has tortured her, especially sifting through the mental health archives. It’s been a blessing and a curse really, trying to ignore every last spoken word. But he needs to know. He needs proof. He needs clarity. Redemption. And Rey is sure he won’t find it any other way. 

Rey’s alias, Kira, is polished down to the last detail. No strand of hair out of place, tightly curled but bouncy when she walks to give her a rhythm she can still call human. Her face is painted with the finest foundations, creams and powders, creating a believable candidate in an otherwise made up field. Her attire is striking. Crisp and clean, so as not to attract unwanted attention. Her uniform stay as neutral as the usual commanding officers aboard the First Order’s vessels. She, however holds her datapad to the side, holding herself the squarest she ever been.

While psychology has a place among the ranks for conditioning and reconditioning, it isn’t to say that there is one, specific, individual in charge of it. Until now. Placing Kira’s face and even tone had many buzzing with interest when they first heard about the project in the mess hall. In a few months time, a closet of space is designated to each Star Destroyer, as their staff most obviously lived aboard each of them.

Kira uses documentation of the lack of vitamins and natural health depletion from important sources such as from many of the suns in the galaxy as one of the obvious reasons this is needed, when approached by an officer. “Conditioning standards are at a new high,” she added, “What with the traitor and all,” her tone cuts to the quick. “Demoralizing their will into being a vessel for only one thing, a war machine, is again, too much for one to bare. Even the most competent need some version of stress relief,” she says, moving on with the next stage.

This then leaves Kylo himself. Her eyes lift at the thought of him, with a soft but smile, wondering how he’ll come about the shop, or if he’ll even partake.

——-

What are we building anyway?” asks Matt at the closet sized shell of a room they were currently bolting shelves to.

“Orders say it’s a ‘consignment shop’.” Finn says, shrugging off the oddity.

Matt’s eyes widen, “Here?”

“Yes,” replies his partner, Jax. He’s a portly man with dark brown eyes and the lightest complexion he’s ever seen, second of course, to Artimage Hux. The more the man is short with him, the more Matt is actually trying not to slaughter by staring. He thinks of Rey and closes his eyes, punching the bridge of his nose, thinking that she would not be happy with him for such an act.

Instead he repeats his question in a statement, “Here.”

“Yes?”

Matt’s face turns quickly, “Who signed off on this?” he can’t keep the snarl out of his speech.

“Really, Matt? I just put it down.” Jax sighs, “Go have a look yourself. It’s not that important, is it?”

Of course it’s important. It’s a fucking waste of the ship’s resources. That’s dumb. In all of two giant steps his hulking frame lunges across the tiny room. He scoops up the datapad, scrolling through the files to find it was him. How the kriffing hell did he sign off on such a ridiculous task?

“Well? Who was it?” calls Jax over his shoulder.

“It’s no one of consequence...”

“Come on man...”

“Kylo Ren,” he managed.

Jax’s face scrunches incredulously, letting out a bark of laughter that has been known to silence an entire landing bay. Gripping the datapad with the strength of the force, he crumbles it in embarrassment.

“Hey! What the hell—MATT?! That was my third one this month. I can loose my job for that, you selfish prick.”

Matt’s lips press together, buckling all of his features in tightly, trying terribly hard not to throw another service member. He really only had one more shot at this, and that’s when he sees Kira. 

The woman seemed to command the station, even though she was a guest on the ship. It was inspiring to say the least. The same love of power and control sweat through him, and then a terrible flash of self doubt made Matt want to run. She looked so familiar. So willing to be around, well, anyone, including him. That was a positive note, even if he didn’t feel like he had any control with her. As she motioned to the commanding officer escorting her through the corridor, Kira makes her way to the room for a once over to their progress before stepping out to their command center to give a formal status report before she leaves.

——

In the time that follows, all units have received shipments, unloading items per Kira’s request, given the blueprints of the shop. Items from Tatooine covered mechanical items, such as tiny droids that shared affection as pets would, projection screens that could be used as window paintings, showing scenery from other worlds, to give a more natural space to an otherwise depressing room. Novelty items such as sleepwear, slippers, robes and weighted blankets, printed with propaganda designs were added as a way to respectfully show team spirit for an otherwise unchosen profession were created in Coruscant. And finally Canto Bight was responsible for stress relievers through the most delicately sweet treats, indulgent fantasy items, jewelry and make up as well, all shaped like Kylo Ren and other officers as well. Leave it to Canto Bight to take things a little too far. 

Kira’s return trip for the official opening of the first shop is broadcast, and honored officers on every other ship follow suit, welcoming soldiers on their down time to it for their mental health requirements. “It is now mandatory to visit monthly as this will play heavily into your conditioning,” says Kira, extending her arm to explain the contents of the shop. “Anything you purchase, you will be required to explain upon check out and review after use explaining how said item helps you relax and train.”

After the surge of interest passes, Matt approaches Kira, who has made it her business to clean up the shop with Jax. He stands awkwardly, looking at what looks to be a canister of body fragrance in something that looks like a cylindrical version of General Hux. He groans about it , then over hears Jax’s conversation with Kira. 

She picks up a chapstick, inspecting the Kylo Ren shape of it, pulling apart the cap as a whole, from the inner cylinder holding a gooey substance. He watches as she squeezes the item. A white gooey substance beads at the top, and he watches, guiltily as she puts it up to her ruby lips and drags it across them.

Matt doesn’t realize he’s staring. He hasn’t heard any of their conversation, until Kira’s laugh fills the room. “I’m surprised he doesn’t have the women in this whole ship swimming in his head,” Kira purrs, assessing Matt, as she toys with some of the items next to the register.

“Or around it,” Jax pops up out behind the desk.

Matt grimaces, correcting their views on the Supreme Leader’s courting, and how it’s none of their damned business about what he does. 

“Hmm,” Kira puts down the lipgloss and pulls up her datapad. “That reminds me. I need to see him.”

“Why?” the two of them badger her about the news. 

“He has requirements too,” she says. “Now if you’ll excuse me.”

Matt blanches. Running down in the opposite direction to get back to his quarters.

——-

Kira’s found and is standing outside of Kylo Rey’s quarters, expecting to be let in when Matt runs into her. 

“Where’s the fire?” she asks. 

He scowls at her remembering his father asking him that as a boy. In his frustration, he says, “I know Kylo. I can give him what ever you need,” trying desperately hard to keep her from entering. 

“The files are confidential,” he stares at her, “so, no.”

Matt’s face turns up, flushed and angry, slapping the key code, to the side of his door, and pulls her in with him. “Wait here,” he points at the ground, stalking off to get dressed.

Once he is, his presence has changed, but not the smugness of Kira’s approving smile. “So, you’re the girl I’ve heard so much about.”

Kira rolls her eyes wondering if he says that to all the girls. “Mr. Ren, I’m Kira,” she extends her hand to shake his. He does not accept, letting it hang there in the open. “I’m a mental health specialist serving the First Order. Which means I serve you as well,” she pauses at his nod. Then continues with her expectations, giving him the location of five holocrons that he is expected to review and respond to on Coruscant. 

“Why didn’t you bring them back here?” he tilts his head in question. 

“They are within the old archives. No one, including you, or anyone in the medical field are to take them. They need to be watched there.” 

Kylo purses his lips, working his jaw as if this is the last thing he wants to do. “You will accompany me, Kira, through the entire visit.”

“Yes, Supreme Leader,” her voice does not catch as she expected to be there waiting for him.

It is a surprise to him though. Every last minute plan has always perturbed his staff, but not Kira, and it shows. He stomps off toward the hangar, telling the first set of eyes he sees, besides Kira’s, to prepare his ship.

———

The trip to Coruscant is made in silence. Riding as a crew member and not as an enemy, yet, is quite a relief. Because of it Rey isn’t nervous. In fact, she’s proud that he’s come so far. 

When they land, he’s greeted anxious representatives, wondering why he’s there in the first place. Kylo and the senator have a private conversation ahead of her. He turns back once, and then twice with an extended hand, welcoming her to his side into the conversation. “Kira,” he waits for her last name.

“Kira Niima,” she confirms it casually, extending her hand to shake Senator Kayl’s. A look of ease enfolds between the two of them as if the older woman in some way knew that Kylo’s visit would bring them no harm. “We’re here on strict business and would prefer the archives to only be accessible to Kylo and myself.” Rey continues, “There will be no foul play as I’m sure Supreme Leader Ren is aware that this is a sacred place,” Senator Kayl, nods once to this and shows them in.

Kylo looks down at Kira, “Do not speak on my behalf again.” He releases her hand and storms off in front of her to get to the archive first like a child. She watches smugly, but allows no wayward thoughts about it. Her focus is what drives this mission now, and cannot be compromised by the smallest tiff.

As they make their way into familiar territory for Kira, she leads to the back end of the hall, turning once into a golden hallway and marble floors which amplify the pounding of her heels down the desired location. Kira can hear herself everywhere and it’s unnerving. If Kylo does notice, he makes no mention of it.

“There are five holograms that are required to be seen to complete this screening.”

“Screening?” he interrupts.

“Yes,” she meets his stare. 

“Why five?”

“They’re important, and I do not wish to waste your time. If you take this seriously, and can answer the questions, you’ll be done in no time,” she says. 

Kylo doesn’t expect this. Instead of a fight he nods at the first hologram, “How long is this going to take?”

“That’s up to you. Take it seriously Supreme Leader, for both of our sakes,” she hands him the one from her pocket first to push into the machine. 

And so it begins.

———

The each of the five were of different years, titled Organa. He rolls his eyes at her before setting the first in chronological order, and sitting down in a large, rounded armchair, next to her. “I know it’s you, Rey. You can drop the act.” 

Kira says nothing, recording every movement and word he speaks waiting for him to recognize what she saw in her research.

His silence has him looking around at all of the slots, assuming these were also his mother’s, as it was considered the Alderaan wing. He assumed there was enough on his mother’s background to be locked up in that library for several cycles, but the only items selected were hologram documentations of her life as a young girl all the way through to her late years, where he nearly lost her entirely. Frowning at this he finds that these were never housed in the archives the Empire acquired during their raids on Coruscant.

“Where did you get this?” he mutters his question to her hologram, Kira stands to play over the message again, for the third time. 

His forefinger strokes just under his lip, wondering what he missed in her message. As the reader drums up the prerecorded message once more, he sees her. She stands before him, standing squared yet softened. Her eyes pin him with a furry, settling, with an eerie calm, almost a thoughtfulness, if he could read that far into it. She looks as though she’s reaching out to anyone that would listen when her muscles seem to sag.

Rey begins to speak, “Ben. I hope you’ve found this message intact. I’ve sent Kira to find you. To bring peace to you. I’m sure you’re wondering why I didn’t come to you myself, but deep down you know, don’t you?” She looks at the floor, then back up to the recorder. “There is an entire archive on your Mother, that extends past her accomplishments. One that dives into the emotional, biological pains of being force sensitive.” She sighs, and starts once more, “Listen to them deeply. There’s more there than your mother’s words.”

Her message freezes in place reaching her last clue while the blue lines ripple up her image. Kylo purses his lips agreeing with himself that he should at least look into the five segments Rey or “Kira” had the decency of selecting for him. The first of the five is labeled childhood.

Little Princess Leia of Alderaan reminded him of a younger Rey. He shoves the image from his mind, hating feeling like they could be related. His mother’s adopted home world is...well, was beautiful. Their sun made the landscape gleam so brilliantly, has him wondering what Alderaan was really like, even through the artificial replica. 

He watches her through preliminary school, while she would play with friends, fulfill her duties as princess, train with her adoptive father. But the strangest thing to him is seeing a deemed non-force sensitive individual journeying off on her own to meditate. It wasn’t so much meditation, as it was sitting in a valley of wildflowers, braiding leaves together, and popping up to listen for who knows what every so often. Young Leia’s reports range in consistency until she shares a terrifying truth, “I feel like there’s thousands of voices in my head. I can’t decipher any of it. I feel helpless, and on my own and scared. The only thing helping is training and even then it only subdues the need to run by fractions.”

This odd behavior is noted, and constantly troubling for young Leia. It keeps her on edge throughout her early years, and seems to wane as she follows Bail, wanting to prove her worth among the Resistance. It seemed she could think of nothing more noble than that. 

Kylo’s brow furrows trying to figure this out. “Why would Rey want me to see this, specifically?” he ejects it leaning in on the next to play it. 

The second shows her life in the field. They’re mandatory recordings of her field journal. He receives first hand information about the resistance, but none of it which he’s prepared to. The emotional strain, the way she responds to loss, the way she speaks about how she’s not sure the fight is worth it. It’s just too much loss. Her encounters with Darth Vader himself, not yet truly knowing who he is, being tricked... the emotional scars of loosing Alderaan. 

It’s a lot for Kylo to take in, so much so that he stops it, moving to the next three. He handles the blossoming relationship between Han and her, grimacing when she reveals kissing her brother. “Oh, Mom, gross,” he whispers.

The next furthers into their relationship, how destroying the Death Star changes the way they’re seen by the galaxy. She records honor and humility, but fear that this feeling could slip into a need for power over people that she truly does not want. Control over herself? Yes. Others, not in a way outside of the rebellion. 

More unwanted material is given, taking him through Leia’s marriage to Han, their relationship, and conceiving him. Pregnancy and the emotional toll is horrifying. So he speeds through it, testing speech patterns, until after she’s well past his birthdate. 

Parenting in it of itself was hard to listen to too. She logs on after a fight she can’t seem to let go of. Han has just pressed too many buttons, and sides with Benjamin’s tantrum, “Think of me as a cavern. If you’re going to yell at me, I’m going to yell back. I can’t be expected to always be the bad guy. I’m trying to protect you from YOURSELF!”

Months go by with awful arguments, documentation he tries to ignore because he is just too attached to them. They still hurt, when Leia starts her next session. “This is the quietest place I’ve been in years. Where not a single sound can reach me. I don’t mind the cold either. It seems to slow my rage. When I’m inside, I hear everything. There’s no filter, just constant need. Oppressive need. Needs that are only demanding wants. Needs that can’t be fulfilled. Needs that overload for control.... and I just can’t. It all falls on me. There’s no help from the others. They just see mom. A mother. Someone who wanted this life. Someone that wanted to care. Someone that hoped for lives she could fulfill. But no one tells her the truth. No one ruins the hope. The dream. Whatever it is to that mother. Because a mother’s dream is unique. Their family is too.”

She continues, “A family as a unit is a glory to behold. One to cherish. And through all of what I’ve been through, I don’t have it. I don’t have a connection. I have people. But our family is broken, and I can’t fix it. In terms of your gift, Uncle Luke said he would take you on, giving you something I can’t. Training.”

Immediately after leaving him with Luke. She’s shaking in able to control her grief, she lets it out in front of the holo journal. Ben watches her sob, wondering why she even left him there in the first place if she felt like this. 

“Ben,” she says, “If you ever find these, listen carefully. You are so much more in tuned with the force then I am. I’m terribly sorry you have to find out this way. You must think so little of me,” she sniffles. “I’ve been struggling with it my whole life. Even now while we’re apart, I still feel a disturbance in the force, but I’m powerless to change it. It calls me, replacing a fear I’ve always had. When you came along,” She clears her throat, the sound snowballs into another, louder clearing, “I had hope. I figured they were gone. Nothing could hurt us, because I had you.”

Ben sits forward, watching on as the younger version of his mother wept. He could feel how truly sorry she was for not being able to protect him from her. That she felt like she was the underlying reason for all of the anger, all of his fear, and everything she couldn’t control. She blamed herself for his failures, for his self consciousness, for all the times she couldn’t physically be there. Mentally, she felt disconnected. 

“It was awful, pregnancy,” she falls back on memories, “having so many doubts, so many fears that I’d fail you... and now here we are... and I feel like I’ve walked away.” Her eyes drop to her lap, “I just hope I’ve done the right thing for you. Benjamin, I love you always. Please, forgive me for this.” 

Ben sits in silence as the hologram freezes. Moved, he sniffles softly, blinking out the tear begging to be released. All of the air rushes from his lungs at once until he’s sure there is no more. It was clear why Rey needed him to see this. He looked over at the remaining slides wondering what else could be on those. He needed time though. He needed to process what he just heard. What he just saw.

In the silence, even though her alias was in front of him, she projects herself as Rey appearing before him, as if to answer his pain. She doesn’t say a word, that is, not until he asks, “Why?” His voice is broken as if he has cried all day. “Why did you send Kira to me?” He snatched up the three he already viewed, “Why did you send for me to find these?”

Rey squares herself as she always does when she’s ready to meet a challenge, “You haven’t truly listened if you don’t know what they’re for, Ben.” 

He feels as though he’s been slighted. She’s mocking him. This was her gift, he thinks, why would anyone give such a hurtful—

“Ben,” she stares right through him. “Start over. Close your eyes, and just listen. Reach out if you have to, but you need to hear all of it. I need you to listen.” And with that, she’s gone.

Curiosity meets him instead of anger. It’s a new change he’s been dealing with. Being calm is strange. Staying calm is a nightmare. Nightmares used to control him. Voices of vile hatred would whisper awful things to him and he wanted so badly to forget. To move on. He wanted a chance at normalcy. Meditation helped somewhat. But seeing Rey, even if she appeared for a short time, made all the difference. 

Another listen. Focused. He wanted to be sure he didn’t miss anything. Resetting the first hologram, he waited for his mother’s child like voice to speak to her adopted parents when he heard a low growl, followed by a menacing cackle. How didn’t he hear this before? 

Panic set in as a cool layer of sweat beaded over his brow. That voice. He knows that voice. It haunted him for years. He straightens quickly, jumping up and looking around. His eyes shifted, searching the darkness the archives as if he was being hunted. Ben calls his lightsaber to his side, waving it to either side of him as if he could ward the evils from this space with it. When he seems to calm, Kira simply takes a sip of her caf asking if he would like some too. 

He does everything to will it away when he hears his awful voice. It’s praise to his mother for taking pride in her accuracy despite her age, saying, “The Vader gene carries on.”

Sick. He feels absolutely ill as the wretched old man tried breaking her spirit down to nothing. He was the root of so many family failures. The pain and separation she felt from Han was inflicted because of Snoke. How Ben wished he could go back and save his mother from this man so they could have had a better future.

Torture. It was pure torture listening to how the medical droids would classify her as having postpartum depression. They could not sense Snoke, but still they labeled her anyway. His father left on longer missions to get out of her hair, but it wasn’t helping. She found herself fighting with the voices in her head, constantly trying to comfort Ben as a boy, and make his life as simple as she could given he had been born a prince.

Snoke tormented her. She would pick and prod at everyone, making her less of the woman she was. Leia, however, was unavoidable. She quickly rose to General and had been in the thick of the Resistance’s battles for years, trying to ward off the self loathing Snoke pressed into her. 

He wanted his parents to have a better life, and nothing could be changed now. And when he found himself listening to the third hologram once again. There was silence. Once Ben was gone, she never heard another cruel voice. All that was left was occasionally her little love. Him.

The next two holograms lead into pleas of his return, what it would mean to her, she would excuse every last action he made under Snoke’s control. He wouldn’t have to worry. They would figure something out. 

As the last message fades, so does he. It’s been hours since he’s started listening to them, and now exhaustion devours him. 

Kira stays awake adding to her notes, checking in with progress and most importantly watching over Ben in his sleep. She’s made several requests including one for a pillow and blanket. Kira’s done her bed to cover him with the blanket, and lift his head to set a pillow underneath. She’s sure the man had not experienced care in a long enough time, and this may speak volumes to him.

Ben wakes hours later to see Kira asleep, holding tightly to her datapad. Then down at himself, finding the warm blue blanket thrown over his shoulders and feels the pillow under his face. He gets up to give the blanket to her, jumping back when she stirs, like he’s been burned.

Ben turns back to the holograms playing the fourth and then last ones, now that he’s had the time to process the horror before.

An uneven, mocking laugh builds up and silenced for just a minute, “You know they say love is a fairytale? Whoever said it can die by my blaster fire. Love isn’t a fairytale. Real love is constantly changing. It only took me this long to understand it.” Leia pauses briefly, “Yout father,” she shakes her head. “He was a good man. Not perfect in any way, but no one is. I’m certainly not,” she snorts. “When we had you, I expected him to be around. Grounded. And he did just the opposite, telling me I had enough help being a princess and all.” Ben watches as his mother’s eyebrows lift, “And that’s what started a lot of the fights. I felt so alone for so long. Your father would travel to,” she signals air quotations, ‘get out of the way,’ and it nearly broke me.”

“Being one in my position, a princess, a lonely mother raising an infant for months at a time hardened me. I was tough before your father,” she nods, “but motherhood gave me a second skin to say the least.”

Leia continues, “The doctors told me that even though my pregnancy was considered normal, you were still considered colicky. Colic...” Leia stands to pace the room, “You weren’t colicky. You were being tormented, by me. I thought it would go away, the nagging, awful evil that whispered to me for years...It prayed on you, and I couldn’t stop it.”

“By the time you seven months old, I started having nightmares. I couldn’t tell you how debilitating it was. Never able to sleep. Living in constant fear that some entity would soon take you away from me. Not having the strength to save you. It was awful.”

“At six, you would have fits that no one could control. You would say such awful things... and every one I spoke to said it was age, and that you didn’t really know the extent of what you were saying. You claimed I never loved you. Terrible things I’ve never thought of or ever said, you blamed me for. I’ve died knowing I must have caused you terrible pain...“

“I felt an awful pull between us.” Ben listens as she goes into detail, “Your nightmares picked up and I was afraid. Benjamin, they were so bad, I feared you would end your own life. But you were my hope. You would go through waves of it. Your smile could light a room. You had incredible charisma; anyone you met wanted to be around you, but then it all changed, again.” 

“You would think I would be used to this, but I could see what you were putting yourself through. You would repeat the same lies believing that I hated you and wanted you gone. You showed such strength in the force and training that your Uncle Luke took you train under him as his last protege. Confirming he would never take another, I...” her hologram glitches a moment as it rolls through its refresh rate, “I’m no good at this, Ben. The decision was made to keep you safe, to keep you learning, to keep you alive...and look where you’ve ended up.”

“Benjamin, there was a time when you were my sun and moon. There’s so much of me that wishes you felt the same... that you miss us... me. My life may be coming to an end, but yours is only beginning...and I only want the best for you because I love you.” The hologram flicks off leaving him him in silence yet again.

——

As the next day approaches. Kira has already checked in with every site. She knows her decoy would be soon rectified by an extremely emotional man. She expects it to be taken out on her, in which case she’s ready, but nothing. Absolutely nothing. Instead he pockets the five picked, needing no explanation, and returns with Kira to the ship.

She expects a riveting show of force. But there’s nothing at all. She isn’t stupid though. He’s processing and prefers to alone, sending Kira on her own. 

Later she meets his connection, unable to project. “Well this is just perfect,” she mutters to herself as they turn the corner.

“Isn’t it though?” His voice cuts through the busy corridor. 

Kira stops short, trying to remind her self of the person she is until he speaks again, “I know it’s you, Rey.” He stares at her. Apparently he’s made it to the shop before her. As she comes around the corner she watches as his projection and natural self form one being. 

He leans on a cabinet housing an assortment of stress relievers including hand grips, stress balls shaped like ranking officer’s faces, who he, himself, had fished out one that was poorly designed to look like General Hux. As he squeezes at the ball making the toy’s eyes bulge, he adds, “You did all of this,” he looks around at this goofy little shop, “Made up the need for mental health outlets, for my attention?”

She stood in silence. Unsure of how to play this next. Instead of speaking she lifts only the corners of her mouth to form a small smile. She’s almost sure the little Hux head will blow just as casually as he usually did, if she didn’t answer, so she followed with, “Yes.”

As he thumbs over the ball’s face, Hux’s eyes bulge out a little. She’s unsure whether or not this was a mistake. “All of this planning? This was all on you?”

“I had some help,” she says flippantly.

“Oh? Whose?”

“Yours.” 

To this he actually hums through a chuckle, “Mine? Hmm? And what were you hoping to accomplish?” He asks, dropping the Hux figure, leaning both of his hands on either side of him on the counter. 

“First clarity.”

“And then?”

“For you to call your mother.”

**Author's Note:**

> This story has been nipping at me while writing I’ve Got You. 
> 
> Being a mother myself, times can get hard and breakdowns are normal. I wanted Leia to have a chance to defend herself against Ben/ Kylo Ren’s false assessment of her and their relationship. And... what if she was being harassed by Snoke or Snoke’s Master? According to Canon, Leia and Snoke are the same age. What if he, or someone he knew was her equal in the darkness. She is a twin after all, and if Luke was the light that saves his father, then what was Leia the light for?
> 
> Now that it’s out, I will be returning to I’ve Got You. Thanks for your patience!


End file.
